Guest post: A virologist reflects on COVID 19
Why real heroes will wear n95s till they die
It’s my pleasure to continue to guest host people. Today I have Dr. Stanford Jenkins, a PhD in Virology to reflect on COVID-19. Dr. Jenkins is remarkable. Most virologists only saved lives in year 1 and 2 of the pandemic, but Stanford has found a way to continue to save lives in year 3. Read his “going to conferences safely” guide below
Vinay Prasad, MD MPH
A virologist reflects on COVID 19
I have a PhD in Virology, with a focus on coronaviruses’ mechanistic binding to respiratory epithelium. When the pandemic struck, I shouted at doctors to stay in your goddamn lane. No one knows more about spike protein attachment to epithelia than me. Stay in your lane!
And that’s precisely what I did when I pushed for broad, sweeping global lockdowns, suspension of travel, and prolonged school closures. That’s virology 101 stuff. Understanding the implications to shutting down the entire global economic system, we cover that week 1. Week 2 is electron microscopes.
As someone with no knowledge of clinical medicine, I was shocked to see doctors asking to read the best available randomized data on cloth masking. As a mechanistic scientist, I knew that cloth stop virus & virus bad! Ergo, masking toddlers was clearly a worthwhile goal. How dumb were these evidence based doctors? I never understood why we stopped at 2 years old. Masking in-utero prior to delivery would be ideal. Once outside the womb, sars-cov-2 can bind respiratory epithelia. That’s my PhD thesis, for christsakes!
School closures was an easy issue for me. Obviously schools have complex ramifications for children, society, women, parents, grandparents, the labor force and more. But my PhD taught me all I needed to know. Virus bad, kids dirty. So shut those schools down forever. When Trump said open them, I knew I had been on the right track. In fact, doing the opposite of what Trump says is how I made most of my decisions. I like to intersperse my scientific commentary with political commentary, which is the hallmark of great policy making.
As a virologist, I knew that the Pfizer vax would be dangerous and unproven if approved before Nov 6th, but absolutely lifesaving and amazing, if approved after Nov 6th. Virology teaches this the same day the cover the O’brien-Fleming stopping boundary.
As a virologist, I can read all the best science papers. I know if 2+ doses of mRNA is good for an 85 year old, then 3+ doses must be good for a 5 year old. Yes, I know the virus is different now, it has mutated, and yes, I know, the vaccine is to the original strain, but if a little vax is good, a lot is better. That is virology 201!
When J&J was linked to blood clots, you might think I would sit this one out. After all, what did I know about runaway platelet activation, and cerebral sinus vein clots? Turns out virology prepares you for this too. If a college age girl will take oral contraceptives and tolerate a slightly higher risk of blood clot in the legs, then she should definite lean into the J&J needle and tolerate the risk of VITT. These are 2 totally comparable things! Yeah, sure, alternatives exists. But that’s beside the point. When you are working in the lab, you go with whatever reagent is within reach, not necessarily what the experiment calls for.
Recently, I have been vaxxed and boosted. I have also travelled far and wide to comment on covid policy. I have never gotten sick. That’s important because each person who gets COVID is an opportunity for the virus to evolve. Good people don’t get covid. Just a few billion people globally are what we call “virology sinners.” They tend to be poorer than my friends and I. Some of them are even slow to deliver my Uber eats.
Here is how I avoid COVID. I wear a fit test n95 mask. I fit test it myself by spraying expensive perfume in a garbage bag and holding it over my head. If I can smell Chanel, I am dead already.
Next, I wear the mask at all times. If I want to drink water. I take a deep breath and hold it. I remove the mask, I fill my mouth with water. I put the mask back on. I exhale from my nose. I swallow, and repeat till sated. But the easier way is to do all your drinking and eating at home beforehand. The outside world is like crossing a desert.
Next, I don’t touch anything. I wear gloves and goggles. I spray disinfectant everywhere. I only travel business class b/c I can’t risk coach. I turn the fan on the airplane and point at my mask. Actually I wear a fan around my neck on a lanyard and point it at anyone in a MAGA hat. NNT 2. When I get to a new city, I try to walk as much as possible outside. Never take cabs, if possible. If you do, yell at the person who drives it to mask up, and make sure all the windows are down. Given him 1 star if he doesn’t comply. That will teach him to work for a living.
I eat all my meals alone in my hotel room. People must know I won’t say yes to dinner because they don’t invite me out. Of course, before sitting in your hotel, make sure you spray it with a fog that precipitates lingering aerosols. I can’t believe smoking alarms are so sensitive.
I never use public restrooms, didn’t you read the latest virology expose? It comes from the NYTimes, the only news outlet that got school closure right. Never ever use public toilets. Hold it as long as possible. Just like lockdowns and masking kids, there is NO TRADEOFF.
But remember, none of this is worth it unless you tweet about it constantly so everyone knows how great you are. And that my friends is what we learn in Virology PhD.
-Dr. S. Jenkins
Dr. Stanford Jenkins holds a PhD from the Wuhan Institute of Virology, where he learned first hand that lab leak is impossible.
People are looking at me funny. I think I'm actually cackling! "Masking in-utero prior to delivery would be ideal." got me started. And that ending, oh my! Subscribing to your substack is like a lifeline of sanity in a clown show shit storm. Can't wait for the interview with Dr. Tweetashish NoobJha. Some say, his 140 and 280 dissertations might have been plagiarized. Yet his rebuking, I mean, regurgitating trash science made him the Czar of Clown Show World. Much to the chagrine of Sideshow Bob who was thought to be a (large) shoe-in.
I never thought I would appreciate anything as much as the rational, insightful analysis of actual data in your "normal"essays. However, these satirical pieces have me in stitches. Maybe I should have masked up before reading. My only concern is the number of people who might read the article and be absolutely convinced that Dr. Jenkins is a genius and should replace Dr. Fauci when he retires.