Press release: People who skipped COVID19 vaccine are at higher risk of losing fingers and teeth

Researchers caution study is merely correlational and not causal, but that dental insurance premiums should rise drastically

Researchers from CooperDale in Canada have a new study out that shows that people who skip all COVID19 vaccines are more likely to lose fingers and teeth. This comes just weeks after a different analysis that shows unvaccinated more likely to get into traffic accidents.

“Our results are not meant to suggest that vaccination keeps fingers and teeth attached, but rather that people who are unvaccinated engage in other patterns of behavior where fingers and teeth just pop off like candy corn!” said senior researcher Tommy Thomas.

The authors analyzed data from 13 Canadian provinces. They found after adjusting for age and sex and a host of other risk factors, people who refused all vaccination against the advice of God himself were 865% more likely to lose a tooth or finger.

“Our finding is astonishing!,” said lead researcher Bobby Bob, “It’s as if the unvaccinated are just shedding body parts like molting season! Like the snakes they are. Of course I mean that correlational-ly, not causally!”

Researchers acknowledge that they could not adjust for socioeconomic demographics, occupation, or entrenched patterns of wealth and poverty. They could not adjust for manufacturing or factory work, or ability to visit a dentist. Researchers note that they were not able to adjust for anything actually useful, and their study is discriminatory and cruel.

When asked to explain the results, Tommy Thomas offered, “I don’t know. Unvaccinated people just don’t value their teeth or fingers— just like they don’t value life. They take risks others don’t. They probably eat more sugar and put their fingers into fans, even though the warning says not to. Maybe they are more likely to reach inside Alligator or tiger mouths? I don’t know for sure, but I do know they are bad people.”

Despite all the Caveats, Bobby Bob believed the study had something to offer everyone.

“As a progressive liberal it is important never to discriminate against anyone on the basis of a group characteristic which itself is downstream product of wealth and power imbalance. But that rule applies to every other group except the unvaccinated. Those people are the worst. You can say anything about them, and it won’t be harsh enough. Our study shows they can’t even keep their fingers and teeth attached. Just one more reason to hate them, and single them out.”

When asked about policy recommendations, both researchers have several solutions.

“Primary care doctors should advise unvaccinated people not to put their hands in garbage disposals and turn the on switch and then keep it in their even after it starts hurting and the sink fills with blood,” said Tommy Thomas.

“Insurance companies should massively increase dental insurance rates for these people. They are a huge liability, “ said Bobby Bob. When presented with the argument that fewer teeth might be cheaper to maintain, Bobby added, “Yea, but lower rates doesn’t make sense, because these people need to suffer.”

Researchers conclude their paper with this, “And just as the unvaccinated should be careful inside when they are in the presence of real human beings, they should be careful eating peanut brittle.”

Authors note: Once again, this is satire. I am saddened researchers would publish a study claiming unvaccinated have more traffic accidents and, as such, we should raise their rates— but they did. I was and am 100% opposed to all vaccine mandates and passports. Treating our fellow people this way is the road to hell. I don’t ask vaccination status of anyone I meet. Never have, never will.

Vinay Prasad